


Breaking Down

by Melodious329



Category: Kane (Band)
Genre: M/M, hurt/comfort bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-19
Packaged: 2017-10-18 08:58:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melodious329/pseuds/Melodious329
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hurt/Comfort Bingo Square:  Brainwashing</p><p>Christian gets the opportunity of his dreams, but will it turn out to be his downfall or his salvation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Down

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I neither own nor know the real persons after whom these characters were created

Christian has wanted to work with Clint Eastwood since he was a kid. The man is a legend and Christian has watched all of those old westerns, hanging onto the man’s every word. He’s one of only two directors left on Christian’s top five list of directors to work under.

And the movie is perfect. It isn’t a western, it’s set in the present, but the setting is in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. It has action and romance, it’s poignant and thrilling. It will be challenging for Christian, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Also importantly, it’s filming during Leverage’s hiatus. And he’s been cast, that’s important too, particularly because it means the Clint Eastwood agreed to work with him.

The movie is set to film during six weeks, but Christian has been asked out to the set about three weeks early. That’s pretty normal, for something this big, they need to prepare and get into shape and work out the stunts and that kinda thing. Christian doesn’t mind a little extra work, not when it’s working with stunt guys under the most gorgeous blue sky. This shouldn’t even qualify as work.

He arrives on set the first morning giddy as a schoolboy and trying to hide it. There are only a few people here early, no other actors really and Christian is excited at the opportunity to really work with and learn from the legend. Clint Eastwood, when he appears, is as imposing as he is onscreen, tall and thin, his eyes icy and glaring just like in the movies. Yet it doesn’t even occur to Christian to be worried until the man speaks.

Clint Eastwood’s first words to Christian are, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Stunned doesn’t fully cover what Christian feels in that moment. He doesn’t even have time to react, because Clint just keeps on talking. “Look, first lose the weight. Second, lose the jewelry, son, because we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

Christian grits his teeth against any outburst. He knows that he doesn’t exactly fit the old western stereotypes of what makes a man, but he’s long since come to terms with it. He likes to wear jewelry and wear his hair long. He likes the connection to his ancestry and doesn’t feel like that made the Cherokee any less than the cowboys anyhow. He knows that when it comes down to it, to fighting, to working, to taking care of his loved ones, to what really makes a man, he stacks up pretty well against most men nowadays.

Besides it’s about the character, not about him. He’s lucky that his job with Leverage allows him to maintain a comfortable weight. He’s big enough to be noticeable, not so big that he loses agility, and he doesn’t have to worry about it all the time or live at the gym. He just wasn’t as comfortable when he gained twenty pounds for that MMA episode and wasn’t as comfortable when he lost that weight for Hide, but he can do it. Actually it helps him get in character. At least he doesn’t have to cut his hair for this one.

Wordlessly, he takes off his jewelry as he follows Clint Eastwood, and he’s still excited about that, to a converted warehouse for working on the stunts. He’s already making a plan in his head how to lose the weight without losing a lot of muscle mass.

As he begins learning the movements, he feels a bit put on the spot. He still hasn’t seen another actor, not even set guys or anything. He’s just surrounded by the stunt guys teaching him and Clint as the director. It feels kinda like he’s being judged.

That feeling just intensifies as he actually starts practicing. Everyone is watching his every move. And Clint keeps talking. “These young pretty-boy Hollywood types,” he grumbles. “You’re not a man. Do it again,” he’ll order. Laughing in that hoarse way he has, Clint will say “And you think you’re a fighter,” under his breath but clearly audible to everyone including Christian. “You’re not an actor. Can’t you do better? Maybe if you worked a little fucking harder…”

It’s just a constant barrage on how Christian sees himself. Clint is always there, always talking. Christian works on stunts, then works on acting, then works out, then starts it all over again. Every attack just makes Christian want to work harder, work longer. He’ll be damned if he’s not gonna prove that sumbitch wrong.

Maybe he’s not as much of a man as Clint Eastwood, maybe he’s not as much of an actor, or a fighter, but no one has ever criticized Christian’s commitment. He’s determined to do whatever it takes.

A week in and Christian’s lost what he thinks is probably an unhealthy amount of weight. He has zero time to cook for himself but he’s talked to the Craft services woman about grilled chicken and steamed vegetables. But even his mealtime isn’t safe from criticism.

Clint moves on from telling Christian all the things he isn’t, to telling him how everything he does is wrong. Christian is eating too much to lose weight. He’s a slob, he’s fat and that’s proof that he’s lazy and uncommitted. He can’t throw a punch correctly, doesn’t run on the treadmill fast enough, can’t act, can’t hit his marks or his cues.

Christian works harder. He gets up early to hit the gym and stays up late to be there after working all day. He stops eating at Craft services and starts living mostly on protein shakes and pieces of fruit he can snatch. Everything he does is wrong, and he keeps thinking that he can do better, he can try harder, he can work longer, he can concentrate more.

But he can’t do anything right. He’s ashamed of himself. He feels it when he gets up in the morning, when he throws a punch, when he says his lines, when he takes a sip of water, and when he lays down at night. He should do more, he should be better. He should be the type of person who deserves to be in a Clint Eastwood film.

Entering the third week of pre-filming bootcamp, Christian can’t even stand to look at himself in the mirror. He’s exhausted when he arrives for that morning’s stunt work, but he’s giving it everything he has. But it’s not enough, he’s never going to be good enough.

“Just admit it,” Clint commands. “Just fucking say it, already. It’s obvious to all of us.”

Christian drops his hands and stands up from his fighting stance. He doesn’t put his hands on his hips, doesn’t cross his arms, doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes. “I’m fat, and lazy, and worthless.” The last word is said softly, but the confession is more for himself than for anyone else anyway.

He doesn’t really remember the rest of the day, doesn’t really remember if he finishes the rest of his stunt work, if he finishes the rest of his work outs. It just seems like all of a sudden he’s on an uncomfortable couch and it’s dark, and he’s sobbing. What is fucking wrong with him?

Falling on his side, he pulls his knees up and pulls his limbs in close, curling into the couch cushions as much as he can while the sobs keep tearing out of his chest, like he’s breaking apart. He can’t be Christian Fucking Kane. That man isn’t a loser, isn’t a fat failure so he can’t be that man. He’s totally alone.

When the sobs have quieted some, he wonders if he’s even in his own trailer. He’s thirsty but he doesn’t know if there’s water around here, wherever here is.

***

Steve arrives at the set in Wyoming about five days before it wraps. He’s managed to get a little time off, because he wants to see it, wants to see Christian excited and happy and making the movie of his dreams.

They haven’t really spoken since the first week of filming. Christian said the reception here was shit and he didn’t have a lot of time anyway. Steve missed the contact, always misses Christian in his bed, but he isn’t going to complain. He knows that this is what Christian does, what Christian loves, and besides Steve is just as guilty of leaving for work. And in the end, Steve would rather that the man slept than talk on the phone with him.

He rents a car and drives himself over to the set. He had told Christian that he would try to come so there’s no problem getting through security, he’s already on the list. He’s shown to Christian’s trailer where he leaves his bags for now, and then is ushered over to where the filming is taking place today.

He sees the back of Christian’s head first, long chestnut hair lightly curling. The man’s dressed in his usual sweatshirt and jeans and Steve doesn’t know enough to tell whether it’s Christian’s costume or not.

Fidgeting as usual, Christian turns a little and then is immediately treating Steve to a bright smile. No matter how secure Steve knows they are, it always makes him feel better that Christian every time Christian is excited to see him.

But behind the smile, Steve can see the dark smudges under Christian’s eyes. He knows how Christian gets on movies, well, about lots of things actually, but he never likes to see it. At least they didn’t cut his hair.

They don’t really have the type of relationship where he’s going to nag Christian to take care of himself and then Steve forgets his worry as Christian comes over and gives Steve a hug. They hang on just a little longer than most friends would, but it’s normal for them. It’s nowhere near long enough though. As soon as they part, Steve feels like his body literally aches to hold Christian again.

But Christian can’t stay long, just long enough to tell Steve that he has a hotel room in town and gives Steve a key, but says that he hasn’t had time to be there more than once or twice. That’s a little surprising, but Steve knows how Christian feels about being in this movie. Steve’ll just hang in the trailer too then.

He watches as the great Clint Eastwood goes to talk to Christian, watches as Christian steps onto the set, watches the man he loves doing what Christian loves. But this time is different. Steve has never seen acting like this. Christian’s character is so lost, so downtrodden, beating back against a sea of never-ending tragedies and horrors. It’s impossible to look away from, Christian is captivating in his raw pain.

But as soon as the scene ends, Steve is walking away. He can’t stand to watch Christian in pain like that, even if he knows it’s just acting. Better to watch that kinda scene on a screen where he can be more objective. He thinks maybe he’ll get familiar with the area and then come back to watch an action scene. Not that he doesn’t get nervous watching that too, but he knows Christian enjoys that.

So he spends the day exploring and watching and cringing and walking away again. Christian doesn’t seem to have any time to spend with him so he eats by himself in craft services and eventually goes to bed. He hates watching Christian like this but not getting to spend time with the man, but he knew it would be like this when he came. He can’t help the disappointment but he doesn’t blame Christian. Especially since Steve intends to convince Christian to come back to LA with him until Leverage starts up again.

Normally Steve sleeps like a rock, when he’s out he’s out, but he must have been subconsciously waiting for Christian because he’s awake at the first sound of the door opening. The bed is tiny, a full-size that just barely fits in here, but Steve thinks that getting a little close and personal is just what the doctor ordered considering how long they’ve been apart.

Christian doesn’t turn on the light, simply moves silently around the familiar small space as Steve watches from the bed, his eyes half-closed as he waits for Christian to climb in with him. The set is never dark so he can see clearly in the glow of lights coming through the gaps in the blinds. He watches as Christian turns his back to the bed and takes off his sweatshirt and tshirt.

Steve’s dick is starting to take notice already in anticipation of the rest of the show when Steve’s upper brain notices that he can too clearly see the knobs of Christian’s spine, the curve of his ribs wrapping around his torso.

“Jesus Christ, Christian!” Steve can’t help exclaiming as he sits up.

Christian starts in surprise and then whirls around, giving Steve a half second to view his front before Christian is raising his tshirt back up in front of his chest.

“Dammit, Steve,” Christian growls but he sounds more hurt than angry and looks away quickly. “I’ve been trying…” he says cryptically.

“This is for the role?!” Steve can’t seem to calm down. Logically he knows that this what actors do, but emotionally this is someone he cares about who looks sick, he’s so thin and worn.

“Yes! No, I just, I don’t want to be a fat slob!” Christian says looking at Steve again.

“What are you talking about?” Steve says getting out of the bed, but even as he’s moving forward, Christian is retreating, putting his tshirt and sweatshirt back on.

“I don’t know how I got like this,” Christian goes on, more than half to himself instead of a justification to Steve. “I thought…I keep trying to lose the weight, but, I can’t…”

“You’re not fucking fat, Christian!” Steve cries placing a hand on the actor’s shoulder. “You look sick!”

Steve knows by the set of Christian’s jaw that he’s gone too far though he’ll be damned if he knows what they’re arguing about. “Chris, look,” he says in a softer voice.

“Don’t,” Christian growls as he shrugs off Steve’s hand. “Just don’t,” he repeats as he leaves the trailer again.

Fucking shit, Steve thinks as he flops on his back on the trailer’s bed. He knows anything he says now will be taken the wrong way. Particularly when he’s going to have to ask enough questions to figure out what’s really bothering Christian. Was he supposed to be thinner for this movie? Steve knows that it does happen, but he can’t imagine Christian thinner. He never wanted to imagine or see Christian this haggard looking.

***

Steve barely gets to talk to Christian for the next four days, getting the distinct impression that Christian doesn’t want to talk to him. Oh, Christian checks on him, makes certain that Steve doesn’t want a ride to the hotel room that Christian has never seen. But they don’t talk about what’s going on, don’t hug again.

So Steve tries to puzzle it out for himself. Paying attention, he notices a lot of things. Firstly, Clint Eastwood is always around Christian, even early in the morning when Christian goes to the gym. Secondly, he starts listening to what Clint is saying. When Christian steps into a scene, Clint seems like a great director, coaxing more and more subtle emotions out of Christian’s performance. But as soon as Christian gets a break, Clint is berating Christian for shit that sounds ridiculous to Steve. He keeps telling Christian that he’s fat, that he’s lazy, that he punches like a little girl. He tells Christian not to sit down and not to eat.

In fact, Steve doesn’t know if Christian is sleeping or eating. The actor hasn’t been in the trailer at night and all Steve has seen him eat is an apple and a shitload of protein shakes.

And the worst is that a ton of people hear Clint doing this. The stunt guys and the set guys, and nobody says a damn word about it.

It seems impossible that anyone, Clint Eastwood or God himself could convince Christian Kane that he’s a fat loser, but the more Steve watches the more likely it seems. Christian is more insecure than people realize, unsure of his own talent, of his own worth in two industries filled with guys like him trying to make it. He’s saved from a lot of the pitfalls of Hollywood though, by his strong will and hard head. Where others would give up or drown away the insecurities, Christian just works harder.

But Clint Eastwood seems to have figured out the way to use all those qualities against Christian. It’s like the man’s a fucking evil genius and Steve is going to wake up any minute now. But he doesn’t wake up and it just becomes more and more obvious that Christian really does believe everything that jackass is saying.

Steve keeps his trap shut until the movie wraps knowing that Christian won’t thank him for interfering. And then it’s like everything changes, everyone’s happy and excited and congratulating Christian. And Christian wants to share his achievement with Steve like always.

But there are differences. Christian wants him to come with him to the wrap party at a local bar and while they get ready he tells Steve everything about the set and filming. Christian is excited like always, and when he’s excited he always tells incomprehensible stories, going off on a tangent halfway through one story and such, but this time he’s repeating things he’s already said and realizing it half-way through the second telling of a story, or he’ll forget where he was going with a story right in the middle. He’s obviously exhausted. And when Christian takes a shower, he undresses and dresses in the privacy of the tiny-ass trailer bathroom. He wears loose faded jeans and a sweatshirt and the worst part Steve thinks is how fucking normal Christian looks. He’d have to look hard to see how Christian is not filling out the sweatshirt as usual.

Christian even lets Steve pull him close, kiss him slowly, Steve’s tongue reaching for Christian’s tonsils. He can’t fucking stand it when Christian doesn’t respond, simply allowing Steve to kiss him, but seemingly not interested in taking it further. Anger, concern, and disappointment war in his chest but he’s not going to say anything. They don’t fight, they don’t have enough time together to waste fighting and besides, he’s not going to ruin this night for Christian. Steve simply follows into the cab waiting for them.

In the bar, Christian is greeted like a hero, even Clint takes him aside and Steve can hear the man saying what a great job Christian did. Steve doesn’t know what to think, but he just barely manages not to deck anyone. Undoubtedly Christian has been in hell here for weeks, but now it’s all forgotten, all smiles and hugs and pats on the shoulder. What the fuck?

And then Christian starts drinking with the stunt guys. Steve watches as Christian drinks Jack like he hasn’t been starving himself, seemingly totally unaware that that would affect his alcohol tolerance. No one seems surprised when Christian goes straight from tipsy to puking.

The stunt guys even more to help as soon as Christian starts covering his mouth. They drag Christian to the bathroom and get him a glass of water from the bar, another guy calls a cab and most of them wait with them outside. Steve has to prop Christian up as the man is pretty much draped over Steve. Steve’s grateful for the guy’s help but he certainly doesn’t forgive the bastards because they helped cause this mess. And all he can think while they wait is how it didn’t used to be this easy to hold Christian up.

Christian’s unconscious practically on the cab ride back to the set, but another thing that hasn’t changed is how Christian catches a second wind as soon as Steve tries to undress him and send him to bed.

“Steve,” Christian whispers as he lies on the bed fumbling to catch Steve’s hands that are trying to pull the sweatshirt up. He sounds as broken and lost as he did in character on set and it tears at Steve to hear it. “Don’t, don’t…I can, I can be better, I can,” he growls. But there’s no reason for Steve to respond as Christian is already drifting off again. “I’m going to…”

Running a frustrated hand through long blond hair, Steve blinks back his own tears. He doesn’t know what to do, he never imagined…He wants to just hold Christian close and never let go, but he can’t lie down now, can’t stay still with this pain and anger burning in his chest.

Tomorrow they’re booked on a flight to LA and Steve doesn’t care what Christian thinks about it. Besides, for the first time since they met, Steve could probably take Christian.

Stepping outside he takes a deep breath of crisp air. He’s just taking a look around when he sees the lit end of a cigarette at a nearby table. Without any other direction in mind, Steve moves toward it until he can see the figure, see that it’s Clint Eastwood himself. He knows he should just turn around and keep his mouth shut but then the great bastard waves him over.

He still feels like he should just walk away, telling the man without words exactly what he thinks of this shit, but he’s drawn by the prospect of knowing why.

Clint speaks first as Steve is still getting his thoughts together through the haze of red in his eyes. “Tell him I’m sorry,” Clint says just like he’s in some movie.

“Tell him yourself,” Steve snarls.

Clint shakes his head sadly. Steve almost buys it. “I had to. He’ll probably be nominated for an Oscar for this, you know,” Clint says.

“Who gives a shit?!” Steve cries. “He hates himself. He’s not like you, willing to do anything for an award.”

“I know,” Clint replies calmly, pausing to take another drag. “That’s why I had to have him.”

Steve is so furious, he can’t think of a single thing to say to that. This fucker knew exactly what he was doing and did it just for a movie.

Turning around so fast he almost falls down, Steve verily runs in the other direction. He doesn’t know how long he walks around just steaming. When he goes back to the trailer, Christian wakes at the noise of the door and immediately says, “Steve?” in that voice again.

Christian is still wearing his sweatshirt when Steve climbs in bed, but now that’s protecting him from Steve’s chilled skin as Steve wraps the other man in a tight hold.

****************************

It’s actually not at all hard to get Christian on the plane. First of all, Christian has a bitch of a hangover. Secondly, Steve has a secret weapon. Everyone knows that Christian likes to be alone to lick his wounds, doesn’t like for even his friends to see him down, but Steve knows that’s there’s one thing that’s stronger than that impulse. Steve knows that Christian puts his friends and family above his own need to be alone. All Steve had to do was make it sound like Christian is doing him a favor, and Christian’s giving him a patently fake grin and putting on sunglasses.

But Steve picks his battles, deciding not to comment when Christian only eats fruit for breakfast and lunch. Cracks are appearing more and more in Christian’s façade. On the surface, Christian is excited to be with Steve again, excited to go back to LA, wanting all the news about what Steve has been doing. But Christian also looks exhausted, falling asleep in the car and the plane. When Steve has them stop for lunch, Christian averts his eyes from Steve eating like he’s ashamed to even look at food. It’s like all of Christian’s insecurities have been condensed into a single obsession on the man’s weight.

It’s maddening is what it is. Steve knows to wait until they get home, back to their home, back behind closed doors, but what then? It’s not just the fact that they’re in public that keeps Steve back. Christian in a good mood is cuddly. Christian in a bad mood is not. The man has more walls than a fortress and Steve has spent the last ten years letting Christian keep him out. He supposes it didn’t seem worth the fight when they didn’t see each other all the time. If Christian wanted to go hide and lick his wounds, Steve thought of it as just another temporary separation and half the time Steve was too busy to force Christian to do anything anyway.

In a way, maybe it’s all Steve’s fault, for letting Christian believe he really is an island whenever he’s not being Christian Fucking Kane.

So Steve lets Christian walk into the house under his own steam despite that he looks like he won’t make it. Now Steve has seen Christian so exhausted he’s drunk on it, dragging his feet across the floor but still with a smile of accomplishment on his face. This isn’t that Christian.

Fortunately for them both, it’s kind of a tradition for them to dump their bags and shoes in the living on their way to the kitchen for some grub. Un-fortunately it’s also tradition to pull out a beer first.

But Steve is trying not to deviate from the script and upset Christian. If Christian knows Steve is trying to help or coddle him then Christian will be impossible to help. So he grabs two beers and twists off the caps.

“Sit down,” he says as he gives it to Christian. But Christian doesn’t drink as Steve leans against the counter swigging his own beer, simply plays with the label which is so wrong in so many ways. No wonder Christian was drinking Jack at the wrap party, he probably thought there were too many calories in beer!

Ok, onto step two, Steve thinks as he turns to open the freezer. He always keeps some of his mom’s chicken soup in there for when he’s sick. “Hey, I’m beat. How ‘bout I just heat up some soup?”

“Man, thanks, but I’m good right now, just…good to be back.” Christian says it with the shy kind of smile that he wears when he’s being serious, when he’s trying to tell Steve something emotional in his own way. It’s almost enough to put Steve off his mission of getting Christian to eat.

Instead Steve smiles back, then turns away towards the stove to reheat the soup. “Nope, mom’s trying something new and she wants your opinion.”

Steve can feel Christian’s grin warming his back before he turns around again. “Aww, it’s ok Stevie. I’m sure mommy loves you too, she just doesn’t trust your tastebuds.”

Taking another chug, hoping that the view will tempt Christian into doing the same, Steve fires back, “Yeah, well Momma Kane still likes me best so I guess we’re even.”

“That’s just because you don’t do stunts.”

“Which is a perfectly legitimate reason to love me more, thanks.”

Christian chuckles and picks up the bottle of beer then like he’s going to take a drink before remembering and awkwardly putting the beer back down.

Turning back to the stove like he didn’t see the move, Steve asks, “How is the family?”

It’s a surefire way to get Christian talking again, long enough for Steve to have the bowls of soups on the table. Christian turns his face away from the smell of the food that must be wafting towards him. Except Christian doesn’t look like he’s battling against his hunger, he looks like he’s nauseous.

Steve knew that Christian’s stomach wouldn’t be able to handle much , but soup is about as simple as it gets. He watches as Christian turns his face back purposefully and lifts the heel of one hand to press into his forehead like he has a headache. Then he’s picking up the spoon.

Having already eaten a few spoonfuls himself, Steve is pleased when Christian finally lifts a spoonful to his lips. After the first one though, Christian seems to have gotten the hang of eating again, eating a few more spoonfuls quickly.

When Christian puts the spoon back on table a moment later, Steve is about to protest. Except then Christian convulses, one hand covering his mouth as he obviously gags. Knocking his chair over, Christian tries to run over to the downstairs bathroom, Steve right behind.

Grateful that Christian already had his hair in a ponytail for the flight, Steve still sits on the side of the tub and places a comforting hand on Christian’s back. Having only eaten a few spoonfuls, Christian ends up dry-heaving mostly before the nausea stops. The whole thing just looks and sounds painful, but crossly, Steve wonders if it wasn’t just a mental block to actually keeping food down rather than physical nausea.

“Don’t tell your mom this part,” Christian says, turning his face toward Steve with a pathetic little grin.

“Yeah, no. Why don’t we…” Steve starts, not knowing how to help if Christian isn’t even going to keep the food down.

But Christian interrupts slowly getting to his feet, “I’m just gonna take a shower, brush my teeth.” Steve is literally afraid the man is going to end up on the floor with a concussion, but he’s certain Christian won’t allow any help. Steve simply follows Christian as he toddles into the living room where he grabs his bag and heads slowly up the stairs.

Steve’s like a little lost puppy left behind as he stands in the bedroom while Christian goes into his bathroom with a change of clothes and a toiletry bag.

Ok, Steve thinks taking a deep breath and pulling on his hair a little. He’s frustrated, not at Christian that this happened, but at himself. This whole thing is a wakeup call and maybe one their relationship needed.

Stage three. Steve strips down to his boxers and climbs into bed despite that it’s not eight pm yet. Christian’s shower seems abnormally long, but Steve doesn’t actually look at a clock. It’s probably just his nerves waiting for the sound of Christian breaking his head open on the tiled bathroom floor.

When Christian does come out, he’s of course dressed again in a sweatshirt and sweatpants and he looks slightly confused at the sight of Steve in bed.

“It’s a little early…”

“I’m beat. From the party last night,” Steve says with a little grin, guilting Christian just that little bit more since Steve took care of the actor the previous night.

Christian laughs low and husky, not sounding particularly sorry for getting drunk. It’s not the first time that either of them has had to take care of the other after a party, but it just still seems that Christian doesn’t realize why he got so drunk so fast.

“You know,” Christian murmurs, crawling up Steve’s body, the mischievous glint in blue eyes making his movements seem no less predatory. “There are other things to do in bed.” Slowly Christian drops most of his weight on Steve, but he used to do it naked, skin on skin. Even as Christian nips the underside of Steve’s jaw teasing yet insistent, Steve can’t get stop thinking long enough to get into it.

Before Christian can do anything else, Steve slowly winds his arms around Christian, pulling him down and wrapping him up. Christian gets the picture immediately, shifting to the side so that his weight isn’t on Steve but most of his body is and letting Steve pull him close. Maybe he’s relieved that Steve stopped things, or maybe that’s in Steve’s imagination. It’s like Christian doesn’t even see it, like he thinks that that sweatshirt is hiding how slight he feels in Steve’s arms, how worn he looks without makeup.

Steve holds the seemingly fragile body tighter, before taking one hand to brush dark hair away so he can kiss Christian’s temple. They’ve always been affectionate with each other and none of it is out of the ordinary though this feels much different to Steve. It feels like he’s finally taking care of Christian. “Missed you,” he whispers.

And maybe it’s his imagination how Christian seems to burrow deeper, seems to become even smaller and more fragile before he whispers back, breath fanning out along Steve’s collarbone, “Missed you too, babe.”

***

Christian falls asleep quickly but Steve hasn’t been starving himself for who knows how long and stays up a little while worrying. When he opens his eyes again it’s to a shifting sea of browns and reds which he realizes is Christian’s hair as the other man is getting off the bed.

“Christian? Wha’ time is it?” Steve murmurs sleepily, rolling into the warmth Christian has left behind.

“Late,” Christian says but it sounds more like he’s saying the word to himself. “I should have been up…”

Getting his eyes open, Steve just has time to glance at the clock, seeing a red 7 glaring at him before he hears the sound of something hitting the ground with a loud thump.

“Christian?” Steve says, sitting up. Looking over, he sees Christian sitting on the ground holding his head.

“Fuck,” he snaps, sliding out of bed. “Did you hit your head? Did you fall?”

“Steve, fine,” Christian says, sounding mildly irritated as he takes one hand off his head to swat at Steve’s probing hands. “I’m fine, was just dizzy for a second,” Christian explains though he still has one hand pressed to his head. “I’ll stand up slower this time.”

Watching with unbelieving eyes, Steve continues kneeling on the floor as Christian gets unsteadily to his feet. This is completely fucking ridiculous. He can’t fucking decide who he’s more mad at, Christian for being a stubborn blind idiot, or himself for simply watching this shit!

Swallowing it all for the thousandth time, Steve finally stands himself and puts a steadying hand on Christian’s hip. “C’mon, I’ll get you some breakfast.”

“Nah,” Christian says before he carefully bends over to get a pair of running shoes out of his duffel bag on the floor. “I should go over to that little gym, the one only a couple blocks away. They probably remember me and will let me pay for a couple day passes or something.”

Steve is still watching dumbly as Christian stops rambling and instead stands there like he can’t figure out how he’s going to get the shoes on. Eventually he sits back on the bed and he’s panting as he tries to bend over to get the shoe on.

“Umm, ok, I’ll just make some breakfast before you go,” Steve says, thinking that if he picks his battles correctly, he can still win this. If Christian eats, then surely he’ll be ok to go to the gym. Steve can’t stop him from going to the gym, Christian goes to the gym all the time.

“Don’t bother. I’ve got this protein stuff,” Christian says as he stands up. But before he can take a step back towards the duffel bag, he’s got his hand on his forehead again. And when Steve moves quickly to support him, he can feel the skin on the back of Christian’s neck is cool and clammy.

Worried now, Steve pleads in a thin voice, “C’mon, you’re here to spend time with me. Can’t we spend the day together? You just got back.”

Pulling away, Christian looks at him with a confused expression and Steve knows why. Steve never begs or pleads. They don’t have expectations. Steve always tells himself that this is the way their relationship is, that this is the way it has to be. He’s always careful not to ask anything more of Christian, not to ask anything more of himself. But he’s realizing now how much more he wants. He wants it all, he wants a real relationship, where they depend on each other, where there are expectations, and he thinks he’s prepared to give that himself.

“It’s just a couple of hours,” Christian says, averting his gaze. “Look, I have to, but I’ll be back and I’m all yours.” Christian is already turning away and making his way down the stairs as Steve follows behind.

But Steve is fed up with tip-toeing around Christian’s problem, with tip-toeing around his own insecurities about pushing Christian, too afraid of seeming demanding to even ask. He detours to the living room as Christian heads into the kitchen.

Steve is starting up a DVD when Christian enters with an apple, still trying to placate Steve. “I’ll just eat this so I can be back quicker…”

Christian is interrupted by the sound of the DVD coming on. “Steve…? What are you doing?” he asks warily, cold blue eyes shifting between Steve and the tv.

“Come here, Christian,” Steve says.

“Steve, I’ll be back…”

But this time Steve’s not prepared to stop and he grabs Christian’s arm and hauls him over to the couch. Christian goes without fighting, maybe he’s too caught off guard, maybe he’s too weak from walking down the stairs, maybe he’s surrendering to the inevitable, Steve doesn’t care which. He pulls Christian down as he himself sits, pulling Christian to sit between his legs.

“Look, Christian,” Steve orders harsher than he intended. “Does Eliot look fat to you?”

They sit in silence for a minute, Christian bracketed, held tightly by Steve. Eventually Steve asks again, gentler, “Does Eliot look fat to you?”

Steve can feel Christian swallow before Christian speaks to the tv. “I don’t know.”

Wanting to sigh, Steve buries his face in Christian’s cotton-clad shoulder. “I do know. This isn’t healthy, Christian. I just want you to be healthy, baby.” Steve has to break off, the emotion in his voice stopping the words he wants to say in his throat. “Trust me. Trust me.”

The silence this time lasts even longer, only the sound of Eliot and Hardison bickering on the tv interrupting it. Steve has no idea if he’s doing the right thing or not, maybe he’s pushing too hard, asking too much of their relationship.

“Ok,” Christian says.

It’s just one word, so simple, but Steve knows it’s not simple. They’re still going to fight about this, but it’s an acknowledgment that there’s something wrong, an acknowledgment of trust and good intentions. And for Steve, he hopes it also means that Christian wants more from them too, that Christian wants that intimacy for them, that trust.

Letting that word sink in for them both, Steve then maneuvers a little, turns Christian’s head with a gentle hand so that their lips can meet. The kiss is gentle and thorough, lips relearning what they thought they had known.

As it ends, Steve can’t help biting Christian’s plump lower lip lightly, but the gesture causes them both to separate with smiles on their faces. It’s a reminder that it’s still them, ChrisandSteve who know each other inside and out and playfully harass each other constantly.

Still smiling, Steve disentangles himself to stand up from the couch while pressing Christian back into it. Squatting down, he pulls off Christian’s shoes, one at a time. Christian watches with such a stunned look on his face that it makes Steve sad, sad that their relationship hasn’t included this kind of caring for each other.

“Let’s try some crackers,” Steve suggests standing and turning toward the kitchen. “Oh,” he says, turning back like he forgot something, but really it’s only to toss the remote at Christian. “And find us something better to watch.”

Maybe it’s too soon to joke, but after a second, Christian’s lips turn up in a grin. “Bitch, this show is awesome.”

Steve laughs and then goes into the kitchen. He’s got some saltines, and surprisingly a bottle of Sprite in the back of his fridge. When he goes back to the living room, Christian’s watching ESPN sports highlights.

Setting the drink down on the coffee table, Steve takes out one cracker and gives it to Christian, saying seriously, “Just take it slow.”

“You’re not gonna feed it to me?” Christian asks cheekily. Steve doesn’t know whether to laugh or get frustrated again. Maybe it was too early to joke because he doesn’t want Christian blowing this off again.

Still holding the cracker, Steve sinks down onto the couch, reaching one hand to grip the back of Christian’s neck. Slowly he lowers the cracker to Christian’s lips, feeding Christian as requested. Christian’s blues eyes have gone wide and stunned again as well as dark with a different kind of hunger.

But it’s a hunger that even Steve knows they shouldn’t satisfy, as much as it pains Steve himself. Christian can’t even take his shirt off in front of Steve, how would they have sex? But as Christian bites into the cracker and then licks the salt off pink lips, Steve’s resolve crumbles a little.

Thinking fast, Steve maneuvers his back against the armrest and then pulls Christian to sit back against his chest. “Grab the soda,” Steve says before they’re all comfy.

They sit wrapped together, listening to SportsCenter and munching on crackers between sips of Sprite. Steve thinks it’s a pretty good day.

***

Christian falls asleep on Steve chest and Steve eats the rest of the crackers but can’t reach the remote to change the channel as it seems he watches the same ten highlights over and over again. At noon, though, Steve wakes Christian up by rubbing his chest through the sweatshirt.

“Chris, baby, let’s get some lunch,” Steve murmurs, trying to push Christian up. It just seems to take Christian a really long time to wake up from these impromptu naps that Steve almost hates to do it, but right now, he thinks that Christian really needs a routine.

Christian is so sleepy and out of it that he lets Steve push him along into the kitchen with an arm around the now smaller man’s waist. Once he gets Christian seated and doesn’t think that Christian will try to go back to sleep on the table, Steve moves to the freezer pulling out another Tupperware of frozen soup. Hopefully it won’t remind Christian of puking yesterday.

As they wait for the soup to heat, he gives Christian a glass of water that Christian drinks greedily, but all the while looking like he’s expecting to be berated for it. Like a person can drink water the wrong way, and suddenly Steve wishes he hadn’t just walked away from Clint Eastwood that night.

Putting the bowls on the table, he admonishes Christian again, “Take it slow.” He watches Christian rolls his eyes, takes one spoonful of soup and then puts the spoon down. Nodding to himself, Steve turns back to the stove to make himself a grilled cheese to go with his soup.

After about the third spoonful of soup in about seven minutes, Christian is now looking more anxious than sarcastic as Steve puts his sandwich down on the table. But Christian keeps eating at regular intervals as long as Steve is eating his soup and sandwich. When Steve is done though, Christian has still only eaten half the soup.

As soon as Steve has finished the last bite of his sandwich, Christian is standing to wash out his half-full bowl. Standing at the sink, Christian turns back to Steve and asks innocently, “You finished? I’ll take that…” He washes Steve’s plates too like he’s doing nothing but being nice.

Steve sighs. It’s actually unusual for Christian to try to be tricky, he’s not secretive or manipulative. And Steve can see that Christian is bothered by his own actions, the way he continues standing at the sink, his back turned to Steve.

Standing up himself, Steve says softly, “Hey, I wrote a new song.” It’s an obvious opening, an obvious activity. And it breaks Steve’s heart how Christian turns around first with a look of relief that deflates into a look of shame that Steve is letting Christian get away with the deception.

Steve reaches out, curling his hands around Christian’s shoulders and drawing him into a hug. “I’ll let you wear one of my bandanas,” Steve teases. They both know Christian has stolen half of his bandanas anyway. But when Christian laughs a little, Steve thinks they’ve both acknowledged that there is something going on here and all they can do is move forward. He’s not gonna waste time berating Christian.

But playing the guitar isn’t as relaxing as Steve thought it would be for two reasons. One that music is also what Christian does for a living and apparently his paranoia over being good enough is extending into it. And two that Christian can’t seem to concentrate as well. Ok, Christian isn’t exactly the best at concentrating, but normally they’re interrupted by laughing and kissing, drinking and smoking. Now they’re interrupted by Christian rubbing his forehead, confused and frustrated and too exhausted to think clearly.

When he tries to hold Christian this time, though, he’s rebuffed. “Hey, c’mon,” Steve says, standing instead. “Time for dinner.”

Christian gets up and follows him into the kitchen. Steve is thinking about just making more sandwiches for dinner, maybe if Christian can keep down a sandwich, tomorrow he can…

But when Steve turns back, Christian isn’t sitting at the table and doesn’t look like he’s going to be eating anything. He’s pacing just inside the doorway of the kitchen, one hand to his head still. Steve recognizes how Christian is winding himself up for a blow-up.

“Dammit, Steve!” Christian starts. “I can’t…you won’t…Look at me! I’m so fucking pathetic. I can’t even play my own songs right.” Christian’s voice starts to get soft, more wretched than angry. But he’s not through being angry.

“I am fat! I can’t go back to Leverage like this! It just shows everybody that I’m a lazy, incompetent bastard! I…”

All of a sudden, Christian gasps like he’s not getting enough air and stumbles, falling back hard into the kitchen wall.

“Hey,” Steve says sharply and moves quickly over to the other man before Christian ends up on his ass again. He grips Christian’s face in his hands, making Christian look at him before he says, “You’re beautiful.”

Christian fights again, pressing up against Steve as if to throw him off, but Steve knows that Christian wouldn’t push him with the force it would take to move Steve. Besides, Christian’s still panting to catch his breath from his earlier tantrum. Steve instead releases Christian’s face and presses himself close, his own body pressing Christian into the wall.

It only takes a minute for Christian’s body to go semi-limp, depending on Steve to keep him upright, but it takes much longer for Christian’s breath to even out. “You’re beautiful,” Steve says again before he’s gathering Christian away from the wall and leading the man to sit at the table. God, he never thought that he’d ever have to rebuild Christian’s self-esteem. “Trust me,” Steve says before he moves away.

He makes Christian a grilled cheese sandwich and gives him an apple while Steve makes himself a couple sandwiches with apples and chips. Jesus, how in God’s name is Christian surviving on a single sandwich for dinner? How the fuck was he surviving on less?

Christian eats the whole thing, slowly, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else the whole time. And he keeps putting down the sandwich and looking at Steve questioningly, like Steve’s gonna let him off the hook. Steve just waits for Christian to eat the whole thing and then they pick up their dishes.

The rest of the night is spent just on the couch, Christian exhausted. Nobody can run on fumes like Christian can but when the ride stops, Christian has always gone down for the count, a quick recharge like a battery put back in its charger.

But it’s not like the morning when Christian was relaxed, it’s obvious that Christian is still upset, keyed up, angry and frustrated with no outlet and no energy to really do anything about it. It’s the least restful watching tv has ever been.

At eleven, Steve is turning off the tv and saying, “Let’s go to bed.”

“What? Now I have a bedtime?” Christian sneers, foul-tempered still.

“Yeah, you do,” Steve answers, exasperated. He watches Christian’s face darken, but Steve cuts him off before he can blow up. “You need a schedule, three meals a day, enough sleep.”

He can see Christian softening as he takes Christian’s hands with his own. “I’m only trying to help, babe. Not trick or control you. You’re just trying to start a fight though.”

Christian looked down sheepishly as Steve helps him up, but Steve feels sorry that he even had to say it. It’s reasonable that Christian would be wary after basically being taken advantage of.

And Christian is wary, alternately clinging to Steve and pushing Steve away, angry one minute and apologetic the next. That night Christian sleeps on his side with his back to Steve, but the next morning, Steve finds Christian curled into him.

Steve wakes Christian at eight am, calling his name and nuzzling into the side of Christian’s jaw. Christian’s still tired and sleepy, but he’s not riled up and angry at least. Steve manages to get both their teeth brushed and rolls Christian down the stairs and into a seat at the table.

He makes Christian real food this morning, eggs and toast that Christian avoids by sipping his coffee but eventually eats. Steve has to marvel at Christian’s willpower because Christian has got to be hungry, it’s only Christian’s will that is keeping him sick.

And after breakfast, Christian is awake and only slightly irritable as he gets into the passenger side of Steve’s car heading to the grocery. If Christian notices that they go to a grocery much further away than normal, he doesn’t mention it. Steve just doesn’t think Christian is ready to deal if they meet any of their friends yet.

Steve was hoping that the grocery would interest Christian in food and it does, particularly after Steve begs Christian to make him pepperoni chicken that night. Christian can’t help himself but be involved then, picking the best cuts of chicken and the best brand of pepperoni. Christian can’t help wanting to make something good.

After they get home, Steve makes them turkey sandwiches which don’t go over well. Christian is more resistant to eating, like he’s feeling ashamed for his excitement at the grocery. In the end, Steve lets him get away with not eating the whole thing.

And then it’s Christian wanting to practice the guitar again. And that doesn’t go well either. Christian seems tired from the day’s activities first of all. And secondly Christian goes into it like it’s an attack, like he has to make up for yesterday, like he has to get it right. It’s not really the best frame of mind to approach a musical instrument Steve knows.

Steve is almost tempted to make Christian take a nap but decides not to push his luck. Besides cooking dinner goes well. A few times Steve thought Christian was going to slice his fingers off, but Christian really can’t resist his own cooking. He can’t resist tasting it and eating it, he can’t resist enjoying the whole thing.

Unfortunately Steve can see when the shame starts to set in, probably about the same time Christian starts to feel actually full for a change. Christian seems to fluctuate between happy and unhappy the rest of the night. And when they go to bed, he’s on the other side of the bed from Steve, not that that prevents Steve from curling around the moron.

The next morning, Steve decides they should go to the gym. He can’t keep Christian stuck in his house forever and just like Christian needs to relearn how to eat, he needs to relearn how to use the gym responsibly. Steve has to kinda laugh at himself and the irony of it, he remembers when Christian taught him how to use the gym period.

But he gives Christian a time limit, 20 minutes cardio, 40 minutes weights and he lets the man go. Of course, he keeps his eyes on Christian the whole time, though. And what he sees is heartbreaking. Now that Christian isn’t being pushed by Clint and the stunt guys, now that he doesn’t have the motivation of the movie, he’s really feeling what he’s done to his body.

Christian just gets more and more frustrated, Steve can see. Christian isn’t used to his body saying no when he tries to push it, and Steve knows Christian’s first response to an obstacle is to push harder. But maybe in the end, this’ll show him that there really is something wrong.

Steve doesn’t say anything though and the drive back home is completely silent, Christian fuming beside him. He lets Christian have first shower while he makes some lunch, but the lunch is ready and Christian never makes it back downstairs.

He finds Christian sitting on the bed with wet hair but wearing his normal sweats again. He’s got his head in his hands.

Normally Steve would let Christian have his privacy, convinced that Christian doesn’t want and wouldn’t accept his comfort. Now Steve knows he has to try.

“Chris?” Steve says quietly as he lifts one leg around Christian so he can sit behind the actor. “Chris, babe,” he tries again, brushing long brown hair away from Christian’s face.

Christian just shakes his head at first, stonewall silent in his misery. Steve just sighs and rests his chin on Christian’s shoulder and resting his hands in Christian’s lap. “Christian, tell me how you’re feeling?” he says, softer, insistent. Trust me the words echo. Either they’re both willing to do this or they’re not.

Christian must realize the same because he speaks, his voice quiet and broken, rough. “I don’t know. I just…I’m confused. I don’t feel…good, but then I should be able to just do it anyway. Why do I even care about I feel? It’s never stopped me before.”

“I’ve never seen you this sick before,” Steve says. “Your body needs fuel to run and if you’re not eating and barely sleeping…”

“But I don’t understand. I look at Eliot and I don’t see anything terrible, but Clint said…” Christian trails off but Steve knows that now they’ve hit the heart of the matter. Christian feels betrayed by a man who is not only Christian’s idol, but also someone Christian probably thought was a good guy, his friend.

“Clint did it for the movie,” Steve says in a rush.

“What?” Christian asks, turning around to face Steve.

Steve makes certain to keep touching Christian as he speaks. “I saw Clint after the wrap party. He said to tell you sorry, but that your performance was spectacular. He messed with you so you wouldn’t be acting the character, you’d be the character.”

Christian looks stricken and for a moment, Steve thinks that Christian won’t believe him, that Christian will get angry. But then he just kinda deflates, falling into Steve’s side.

He doesn’t speak and Steve would love to know what he’s thinking, but Steve keeps quiet too. Christian probably couldn’t express what he’s feeling right now, and it’s enough to hold Christian, both of them aware that he’s comforting Christian.

They settle into a sort of routine after that, Christian still fights, still looks miserable at the gym and looks ashamed after eating, but then he also looks ashamed after fighting. But he gets better, he eats more and regains a little weight, regains a little more concentration and stamina. Things start to make more sense.

After a week, Steve is settling into bed in just his boxers. He wonders how he’s going to ever manage to stay up late for his gigs again. He’s gotten used to this routine as well, gotten too used to having Christian, to having this intimacy.

He watches as the bathroom door opens Christian coming out undoubtedly minty fresh. But Christian doesn’t climb in, he stalls at the foot of the bed. And then Christian takes off his sweatshirt. Steve sits up when Christian pulls off the tshirt underneath and then drops his sweatpants and boxers.

Christian is still so thin, so much less than what Steve is used to seeing, than what Steve loves to see. But it’s still Christian. “You’re beautiful,” he breathes.

Blushing, Christian climbs onto the bed, lets himself be pulled in by Steve’s grasping arms. Christian kisses him, gentle but passionate, definitely leading somewhere as Steve smoothes his hands over the new curves of Christian’s body.

Christian pulls back as Steve’s hands reach the curves of his ass. “Jesus,” Christian says with a tiny smile. “I feel more virginal than when I was a virgin.”

“You were never virginal, baby,” Steve teases and squeezes Christian’s ass.

Christian dives in for another kiss, his tongue diving in too, light and teasing but becoming bolder as it meets with Steve’s own. Steve is really getting into it, into this new juxtaposition of bold and shy, physical and intimate, when Christian pulls back again. What the hell?

“I love you,” Christian whispers, his voice low, firm, significant. For a moment Steve feels like time stops, like the world gets brighter and he gets lighter, but Steve doesn’t get a word out because Christian is kissing him again, turning them as they fall to the bed so Christian is on bottom.

Christian’s legs open immediately and he bends them to place his feet on the bed, the intention obvious, more so as Christian rolls his hips up into Steve still boxer-clad groin. The playful hesitance turns intense just like that and Steve is stripping down and reaching for the lube and condoms.

There’s resistance as he tries to push in the first finger. “You’re virgin tight,” Steve says and Christian laughs again, low and seductive, biting his lip as Steve’s finger sinks in.

It takes a while to prepare him and Steve thinks that’s somehow fitting, like Christian really is a virgin, like this is their new first time. They’ve been having sex for a long time and Christian has always loved to get fucked, but it’s different this time. Christian’s moans are softer but deeper like they’re being pulled out, his body language more open like it’s suddenly acceptable to let Steve see him, see him honest and needy.

Everything’s overwhelming as Steve sinks in, Christian wrapped around him, opening to him as Steve leans forward on his forearms. Rocking his hips, he pants into Christian’s shoulder as he tries to get deeper, faster, closer, like he can’t get enough, Christian whining and arching beneath him.

His orgasm creeps up much too fast, tight in his gut and flooding warmth to his balls, but he holds off with effort, Christian’s hand moving between them as his body stiffens and curls up, his chest flushing a dark rose on top of his tan. He’s not even finished when Steve’s body curls over him, pumping erratically into him as Steve groans through his own orgasm.

It takes them a long time to separate, Steve still thrusting gently. And even after he pulls out, chucking the condom over to the trashcan, they stay tangled together, one of Christian’s legs still around Steve’s waist. It’s like they have melded together.

“I love you, too,” Steve whispers, pulling back just enough to see Christian’s eyes. “With everything I am.”

Their kiss is slick, messy with their sweat and their breathing yet to slow.

“You always have to be mushier,” Christian teases.

***

A year later, Christian has been nominated for an Oscar. He and Steve walk the red carpet hand in hand, having come out to the public six months before. Christian is ambivalent about the possibility of seeing Clint Eastwood again, but he has convinced Steve not to make a huge scene.

It’s a promise Steve has difficulty keeping since Clint makes a point to come up to them.

“You really deserve it, Christian. I’m proud of you,” he says. And once upon a time, Steve knows that those words coming from Clint Eastwood would have had Christian skipping for joy.

Steve is wondering if Clint means he’s proud of Christian in the movie, proud that Christian came out as who he really is and whom he really loves, or proud that Christian has regained the weight and his self-confidence after what Clint did to him.

But Christian just smiles, that full, beatific smile and says, “I know what’s important to me now.”

And when Christian wins, he makes a special point of thanking the director, Clint Eastwood.


End file.
